I took the remote and starting flipping through titles of movies to see if I could find something On Demand. After arguing with her that I was not paying to rent any of the Pirate of the Caribbean movies, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Sweeney Todd, or any other Johnny Depp movie that she does not own, I saw that E.T. was on.
Now, it's been years since she had seen E.T. So long, that she didn't even remember seeing it. Because, as classic as that movie is, E.T. is BANNED from our house. Apparently my son is allergic to the little alien. If he so much sees a picture of E.T. or if you even utter the words "Phone Home" my son will react by screaming, crying, and doubling over as if he's going to puke or crap...or both. Then he goes into hyperventilation mode, turns gray, then white, then stumbles about as if he's going to pass out.
Seriously. This has been going on for years. I don't know where he gets this from. This is the same kid that begs to watch A Nightmare on Elm Street or looked at Predator with curiosity. But E.T.? Forget about it.
I have a lovely E.T. figure somewhere in the house. At one time he was proudly displayed in a plexi-glass case. Now? Who knows where my husband had to hide him because he made my kid sick.
But, on Monday, with my eeteeaphobic (yes, I made that word up and I think I should trademark it) son safe at school, I looked over to my daughter and said, "Would you like to see E.T.?"
Her eyes lit up...or maybe they were just glassy from the fever...but she looked at me and smiled and nodded. And I put it on and curled up on the couch with her.
E.T. is the kind of movie that takes me back. The music, the sound effects, the lines...it all makes me feel like I'm a kid in the 80's again. But, unfortunately, now that I'm not a kid anymore and my imagination has been stunted with age, some of it gets ruined for me.
Like the character of Mary, otherwise known affectionately as "E.T.'s Mom". For years, she was E.T.'s Mom. A single mom, struggling with the separation from her husband and trying to raise her three kids on her own. A cool mom who let her older son's friends hang out at the house and let her younger son have a bunk bed so the dog can sleep on the bottom.
But, now....that I'm a Mom myself...after watching the movie for the first time in a long time, I gotta be honest and say this: E.T.'s Mom has GOT to the the STUPIDEST Mom in movie history!!!
First of all, she doesn't hear her son and his extra-terrestrial friend talking and wandering through the house in the middle of the night? I'm beginning to think she's an alcoholic because who could sleep through that racket?
And when Elliot pretends to be sick so he can stay home with his new buddy, she says something to the effect of him sleeping outside again at night. Who lets their kid sleep outside? I once asked my mom if a friend and I could camp in our yard and she responded by telling me there was a crazy homeless man who liked to eat little children for breakfast living in the alley behind our yard. After that I was scared to even step foot in the yard!!!
Moving on...the scene where she comes home with Gertie and E.T. is wandering the living room and kitchen drunk and her daughter keeps saying "Mom, I want you to meet somebody!" over and over. First of all, OPEN YOUR EYES LADY!!! You got an squishy little drunk alien standing right next to you. And your daughter is flat out telling you there is someone IN YOUR HOUSE!!
If my kid told me she wanted me to meet someone in the privacy of my own home, I would be like "Who the hell are you talking about?" and then grab my good kitchen knife and chase him outta my house!! I would be paying attention to what my kid was saying!!
And when she hears a noise and goes up to the closet and he's among all those stuffed animals? She doesn't see the pile of poop with the big eyes staring at her? Did he really blend in that much?
But the scene that really made her look like the stupidest (or drunkest) Mom ever in movie history...the scene that really pushes her over the edge of the CPS calling cliff...has to be the Halloween scene.
The boys dress E.T. up as a ghost and successfully pass him off as their little pre-school age sister. She doesn't notice that her daughter shrunk? That her head suddenly seems so big under the sheet? That she got...wider? That her little girl suddenly has the voice of a 90 year old chain smoking transvestite?
Look at the height difference between Gertie and E.T.:
I think I would notice if my kid was suddenly a whole head and a half shorter.
Even my daughter looked over at me and said "Really?" Then rolled her eyes in that way that only girls can do.
In the end though, the movie did what it was supposed to do. It made us feel so much for the ugly, squishy, little, big eyed alien and the boy that loved him that it leaves our hearts breaking and our eyes welling up in tears as he flies back to where ever the hell he came from.
My daughter has now declared this one of her favorite movies and is trying to convince my son that his violent allergic reactions to E.T. is all in his head and he must watch it. This in turns sends my son running from the room, screaming with his hands up in the air. Ironically, he resembles this scene:
You know the scene. Gertie's screaming. E.T.'s screaming. Mom comes up the stairs, calling out and demanding what's going on. And yet, the mother didn't want a better explanation as to why her daughter was screaming with a 90 year old chain smoking transvestite in her son's room.
Yes. Stupidest Mom ever. Or drunk. Blind. Deaf. All of the above.
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