Darth Vader Has Been Adorablized

We've all pretty much seen that commercial that aired during the Superbowl. The one EVERYONE is talking about. Little boy is dressed up as Darth Vader and is trying to use the force. It is cute. So stinkin' cute. It's adorable. You would have to have a heart of ice to not have cracked a smile at this commercial.

In case you have not seen it, here it is:




Cute, right? Kid is in full blown Darth Vader costume (minus the gloves), you never see his face, the Darth Vader March is playing. So...freakin'...CUTE!!

But that's my problem. It's cute. Adorable. They have taken one of the most iconic movie villains of all times AND MADE HIM CUTE!! The took Darth Vader, the Dark Lord of the Sith, and MADE HIM ADORABLE!!!! And there is something just wrong about that.

Darth Vader is perhaps the most recognized movie villain of all times. He is THE BAD GUY. Tall, wears all black, his face a mystery until the very end, a voice that is cold and deep, breaths in an eerie asthmatic way, more machine than man, and can kill you just by holding up his hand. The ultimate symbol of movie evilness.

And now, some cute little boy dressed up and turned on a Volkswagen by using the force (or would it be the dark side of the force, since the kid is after all, Darth Vader and not Obi Wan). Darth Vader has lost all credibility of being the biggest bad ass in cinema.

And I know just how bad ass Darth Vader can be. I know this because...I met the Dark Lord myself. That's right. I met Darth Vader and he was one scary dude. And big. Like towering tall.

I was just a little girl, having recently discovered Star Wars as did millions of other kids back in the late 1970's. I was OBSESSED and my mother decided to feed to my Star Wars obsession.

On a Saturday morning, she woke me up and told me to get dressed. She was taking me somewhere and it was going to be a surprise. This in itself was exciting because: A, we were going out. B, we were going out FOR ME and not on a boring errand. and C, it was a SURPRISE.

My mom wasn't one for surprise outings, so this was really out of the ordinary. I kept guessing, but she would just smile and refuse to answer. Or she would tell me was that I would love it.

We got in the car and drove a little ways to a store called Korvette. Does anyone remember Korvette? It was department store, but with discounted prices.



I guess it was like a cross between Macy's and Walmart. Something in the middle.

Anyway, my mom took me to Korvette. Now I was really confused. Was not in the mood to stand around while Mom tried on clothes or browse through bedsheets and curtains. But she continued to smile as we were ushered into a room along with other parents and kids.

My eyes flew open with amazement!! The entire room was nothing but Star Wars merchandise!! Bins and bins and bins of action figures. Star Wars sheets and blankets and pillowcases. Star Wars lunchboxes and Star Wars towels. Star Wars electric toothbrushes with little Star Wars cups to rinse with. Star Wars, Star Wars, STAR WARS!!!!

But, that wasn't the surprise. An announcement was made. Darth Vader had landed and would be arriving shortly. I looked at my mother to see her smiling and nodding. What the hell was she smiling for?????!!!!??? HELLO!!! Bad guy is coming!!! Grab some figures and RUN!!!!

Seriously, I really wish they had these camera phones and Flip video cameras back then. I really wish my mother caught my reaction in some way or form. On the outside, I was smiling. On the inside, I was ready to shit a brick. Luke, Leia, or droid or two would have been cool. Han Solo would have been out of this world awesome. But DARTH VADER??!!!??? A man who could kill us all with a wave of his fingers?

And then...he came. The Lord Darth Vader walked into the room and I swear a hush fell over the packed room. Even Dads just stared at him with awe.

He was tall. So, so tall. And broad. He walked with great strides to the little stage they had set up for him. He was surrounded by his team of henchmen (Korvette employees). And he was scary as all hell.

This was no cheesy costume with the buttons painted on his chest. This. Was. The. REAL. DEAL. This WAS Darth Vader!! Every detail was there. There was no doubt in any Star Wars fan's mind that day that Darth Vader was gracing us with his presence.

They made an announcement that Darth Vader would not be speaking to anyone. He would not answer any questions. Only shake hands and sign autographs. What a frickin' Diva if you ask me.

Once I realized that he was not going to kill us or whisk us away into a galaxy far, far away I became excited. I mean...I WAS GOING TO MEET DARTH VADER!!!!!

I was still a bit unsettled as we approached the table, completely in awe. There was such a power to him that I began to think "Screw the Rebels! I'm joining the Empire!" There was nothing cute about him. Nothing adorable. Just big, black, silent darkness.

He was signing black and white pictures of himself. When it was our turn, my heart pounded, blood roaring in my ears. My eyes must have been so wide they should have fallen out. He signed my picture.

"VADER"


That was it. "VADER". He was so powerful, so well-know, so fearful that he didn't need two names. Kinda like Cher.

He handed me my picture, then motioned for his henchman to lean in close so he could whisper something in his ear. The Korvette employee turned red, then turned to my mother and says...and I KID YOU NOT....and says:

"The Dark Lord Vader would like to know if he can take you to dinner after this."

I SWEAR TO GOD!!! Darth Vader had just asked my mom out on a date.

And mom just sassed back "Tell the Dark Lord I'm married."

And with that, she grabbed my hand and we walked out. Me, my "VADER" autographed picture, and a brand new Darth Vader action figure my mother allowed me to purchase. My tiny, little mother had shot Darth Vader down. She became new hero. I didn't think it was possible to say "No" to Darth Vader.

The autograph picture hung on the back of my bedroom door for years. Eventually time got the best of it, the edges curling, maybe even ripping. And one day...it was gone.

And what was supposed to be a memory of "Remember the day you met Darth Vader?" turned into a very hilarious memory of "Remember the day Darth Vader asked you out?"

But no matter how I remember it, I always remember how scary and evil he seemed. And now...thirty years later...he's been reduced to nothing but a costume for cute little boys to pretend and have the force...and for old men to sell Volkswagens.